OF course I know it is normal for me to be a little stressed right now. Pulling 50+ hours a week at work, getting ready for my love to be there in a few short weeks (mentally, emotionally and physically), creating a nursery, getting baby supplies, registering, finding a lawyer, working out my work schedule, finding a pediatrician, updating my insurance, getting physicals...the list goes on.
I know that I wouldn't be a normal person if my nerves weren't a little wonky. The jitters are a part of becoming a parent... but the devil has really been working on me overtime. Like, wake up in the AM feeling like vomiting, upset tummy all the time, zero sleep..that kind of overtime.
Am I still excited?, OMG debating the answer to this would be a waste of time. Am I going to let the devil get me down?...again no brainer. but he's been making me question things I know better than to question....
"what kind of mom am I going to be?" Of course I know I will make some mistakes, but all in all we will do an amazing job. I've tried for this for four years and imagined it for many many more than that...but he keeps bringing me to question by abilities.
"will I have everything done in time?" Well no, most people have more than they need of some things and not enough of others- I also know this. Well, the practical side of me knows this... the side that the devil keeps trying to get is stressed that she won't have a nursery (who cares if she doesn't at first, she will be in the room with me... bassinet, helluuurrr)
"have I even thought of everything I have to do?" Probably not.. but again the real me knows that most parents don't. Most things can be worked out later, I just need to hit the important stuff... (pediatrician, place to sleep, food, diapers, LOVE)
There are a million more questions that race through my head all day, trying to freak me out. The devil has succeeded in some of these, but I am trying to keep things in perspective. I mean- look at how far God has come already! why do I doubt myself?!- I have God backing me! none of this would have been done without God speaking to all of the people he has spoken to thus far. No man alone could have made this happen, without God using them. God obviously feels it is my time and that I am ready to raise one of his tiny little miracles, he has entrusted me to do this. Wow. He knows I am capable and he will give me the answers and the ability to do what needs to be done. I feel so silly for worrying so much.
A great mental picture... (but before you laugh, understand how much it helped me. I instantly felt better)
I was straightening my hair this morning. Completely overwhelmed and starting to feel nauseated... the devil really had me good...lightheaded, dizzy, hot flashes, nausea... Then God spoke to me and quite honestly made me feel really stupid. He said to my heart "look what I have done. Do you think I spent the past four years of your struggle just sitting around watching you? No, I was planning your blessing, mapping out everything for you. Continue to give it all to me, tell the devil to get back and let me finish working" Hallaluyer! so...standing in my nickers with a flaming hot straightener in my hands I proceeded to (very audibly) tell the devil to step away, God had this and that I DO NOT appreciate him making me sick over this, I have a baby to prepare for and I don't have time for his games! Then I prayed for God to give me peace and assurance that only he can provide. That he guide us to an honest lawyer, continue to speak to the birth mom that we are where he has led her to trust, and provide all the items we need.
I instantly felt better, no nausea no tummy aches...and I just feel so confident that he will provide and grant us our every need...he's already started to!